booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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