Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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