Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
