I just saw a hot homeless man
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
