happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
