Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
