I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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