Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
