Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
