I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
