WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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