Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He passed out mid-signature
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
