It's like God shit irony all over that family
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
