The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
