just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
