I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
