So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
