Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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