I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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