that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
