He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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