I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
