While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
In America we eat man semen.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
