I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
