ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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