Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
