I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
