Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
