You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
