Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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