It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Welp...herpes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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