It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
