On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Randomize
