i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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