It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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