just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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