This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
