all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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