his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
