I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
