This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
