Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
