If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
