Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
