that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
even my farts smell like vagina
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
