shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
