I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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