I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
