Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
