Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They are going to name an STD after you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
